When you looked forward to an insult...

When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!) These glorious insults are from an
era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the
English language was taken over by slang and curse words and got boiled down to
4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband
I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or
of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I
embrace your policies or your mistress.'


'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston
Churchill

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure. 'Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' -
Moses Hadas


'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.'
- Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend....
if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one..' -
Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen
Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin
S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel
Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E.
Leonard

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles,
Count Talleyrand

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' -
Mark Twain

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar
Wilde

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than
illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

- E-mail forward.

She knows them all

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Things I'd love to hear

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO,
What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Source: Email forward.

face to face with terror

Throughout the time when the terrorists held siege of the Taj Hotel and Chabad house in Mumbai, Tv channels tried to get us first hand accounts of what it was like and were pestering anyone who came out of the trauma to give them a sense of what it was like to be there, then. Here is a chilling first hand account from someone who was trapped in the Taj and was among the fortunate few who escaped. Makes you go numb with horror:
http://www.forbes.com/2008/12/01/mumbai-terror-taj-oped-cx_mp_1201pollack.html

What you should never ask a menopausing woman - a question

Question:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the
dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!*
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for
the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually
find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change
the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR
CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM
THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

.

.

I'm sorry. What was the question?

(From a forwarded email. Source: Not Known.)

Rejecting rejection

Hello
I realised I must do something before this blog achieves the distinction of going on without posts for a year. Amreekandesi helped me by forwarding this most amusing email in response to this post at agelessbonding.

Thought I'd spread the smile around - especially since this is midweek and we could all use some smiles:

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

This blog is for my bloglist

where I bookmark the blogs I like to visit.
I will also use this space to link interesting posts from around the blogsphere.
I promise not to post anything original here. :)